Tonight....

Tonight I came across a blog of a family that had recently lost their baby because the mother had Incompetent Cervix. Why did I read it.... I don't know, but I did.

Tonight my heart is aching for a girl i don't even know. Her story brought back way to many memories of my own experience with getting Noah here. Mainly the day that I had my big target ultrasound and they found my cervix so short. The instant they told me my cervix measurement my heart hurt. And the aching just seemed to get worse during the next few days. Which is why thinking about it still brings me to tears. As I sit here watching Noah sleep on the monitor I can't help but think of what a close call I had. On their blog she said that after loosing her little girl she couldn't help but let the what ifs consume her. I often think of so many what ifs for me... (even though I can't compare to her since I have my baby here with me)

-What if I hadn't had a ultra-sound appointment that day... What if it was a week later, heck 2 days later could have led to a disaster.

-What if I didn't know that I was having contractions, they didn't hurt-just a tight feeling. But with a cervix as short as mine was no contractions are safe ones.

-What if I didn't have a sister that had already been through the EXACT same thing. She pretty much paved the way for Noah. Having her already gone through this same thing gave me a lot of information and she was the reason I ended up going into the hospital when I thought I was possibly having contractions.

-What if I didn't have an awesome doctor who didn't even flinch at the idea of putting in a cerclage. He was so sure that he could do it and that it was the right thing to do. I didn't have any doubts that it was the right thing.

-What if I didn't have Chris there to support me. What if I didn't have a husband that knew just what I needed to hear and the right way to comfort me...

-What if my stitch didn't hold like so many that I read about while laying around on bed rest.

-What if I didn't have my mom and family so close to help me and get me through my rough times.

-What if I didn't have amazing friends that brought me meals over and over again. They brought so much support and love through their service.

I know thinking about them is a waste of time... Cause they are just

what ifs. But they still cross my mind. Looking at all of the things that happened in getting Noah here safely I don't know how anybody could say that there wasn't someone up higher than we are looking out for him. I know for a fact that all of these things didn't just "happen to work out that way". They were meant to. And I realize I am truly blessed for it.

Then I start to think, why was I lucky enough to be so blessed. I haven't done anything special. I love the gospel, I love the church. I have a testimony(which grew stronger than I could have ever imagined through all this) but so do so many that loose their loved ones. Like my sister. She is AMAZING. Honestly I would think of her being a stronger/better person than I am. In the church and just in life in general. Yet she had to go through the pain of losing her sweet twins. My niece and my nephew. At this point I have to just stop thinking... Because nobody should

have to bury their own child like my sister did. It was hard enough watching her loose them. Then while laying down on bed rest that was all that filled my mind. The fear of having to bury my own little baby. But God had his plan. Thankfully it was to get Noah here safely. I guess that comes with having a testimony- Having faith that the things that happen, happen for a reason. That it is all gods will.

Where there is faith there is love.

Where there is love there is peace.

Where there is peace there is God.

Where there is God there is no need....

I don't know what really got me going tonight. Hearing of people that have had the same problem as me, and had a totally different out come just makes my heart hurt. No more looking at blogs for me tonight. My mind has already gone a little crazy. Sorry to ramble on... Those are just my thoughts for the night.